Rebuilding Rob

Today marks what would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary with X1. It is also the first anniversary date on which I can say that I have officially been separate/divorced longer than I was married.

I’m not sad or anything today. I’m really not. But it is a really intensely reflective day. It’s a time in which I look back on my marriage; the good times, the bad times, and how it all came to an end. I do this, not because I’m constantly trying to live in the past; but rather because I want to reevaluate my perspective on things being another year older and, presumably, another year wiser.

Things are better today between X1 and I than they have been in years; certainly since before our marriage ended. There was never anything explicitly stated by either of us, but when Kid 1 got Covid 3 1/2 years ago, it’s as if we both basically put aside whatever beef we had with one another and focused on him.

I’m a better person than I was at the time of my divorce. I have to concluded that the experience forced me to become a better person. For that, I am grateful.

However, I also think to back to where I was mentally, emotionally and psychologically just before my divorce. I think back to the fact that the person who was my partner dropped me; or at least, intended to drop me at the time when I probably needed her most. There’s a part of me, maybe its just 2012 Rob now, that will never forgive X1 for that.

I was in a pretty dark place in the months between our separation and our official divorce – a place that I eventually worked my way out of. However good things do arise from bad things and my separation led to the creation of this blog.

I don’t mourn for the end of my marriage. I do hate the fact that kid 1 had grow up without both parents in the house though. But the truth is, I never wanted him to see what our marriage was like, and think that that was how people are supposed to live.

It is strange to think that X 1 and I are practically strangers now. The truth is, I don’t really want to know her. Still, it is a Strange feeling to go from knowing someone so intimately; only for the two people to go back to being strangers again.

I’ve been listening to a lot of divorced men and divorced dad‘s Podcasts and reading their blogs. The truth is, there are a lot of men out there today, who could simply have given up on relationships.

Why should men get married? When statistically, the odds are against a marriage working. And once the marriage ends, men lose everything, or at least half of everything that they’ve built up. Even worse, they there are kids involved, they end up with a shitty visitation arrangement.

I’m slowly reaching that point myself. But I’m not quite willing to give up yet. And I refuse to allow X 2 to be the last nail in the coffin of my love life

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