Rebuilding Rob

The other day I wrote about procrastinating, and the fact of the matter is that I could’ve just as easily reposted that entry for today’s prompt. But I decided I wanted to try something a little different.

Avoidance is one thing I could do less of.

This is probably a pretty abstract concept, but the psychologist Kurt Lewin talked about three different types of conflict, and it is summed up very well on this website here.

This type conflict-avoidance is another offshoot of anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very noble thing to want to be non-confrontational; that is to say it’s good to not want to start fights with people. But I tend to be nonconfrontational about anything that would result in any sort of conflict.

Unless, you’re character living on the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, avoiding every day, interpersonal conflict is just not realistic.

And I know why: I don’t want to make people upset. I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to hurt them. But people deserve to know stuff: like if somebody’s having trouble affording Christmas gifts (just as a current example) your family, your partner, and maybe even your kids are better off knowing the truth; rather than being let down on Christmas Day. (No, I’ve never done anything that extreme before. That’s just an example.)

This is something I discussed with Lomax a while back. I would do this in my relationships. It got to a point where I would rather my partner think that I was being a aloof or even inconsiderate, as opposed to just telling them “hey, we really can’t afford to go out tonight”. And all that did was delayed the inevitable hurt and made me look bad.

The problem was trying to withhold bad information from people is that it ends up making you look like you are the screwup. The truth is. It comes from a good place. When you try to avoid bad news, you’re trying to spare the other person’s feelings. The problem is is when you are so eager to avoid hurting the other person that you’re willing to make yourself look bad in the process. “I screwed up. I wasn’t smart with money, and now we don’t have enough money to go out this weekend” I would say things like this to X1. I was more willing to fall on the sword, and make myself look bad than I was to let her have to deal with an unpleasant situation

All that keeping things bottled up like that – withholding information from people – does this put a burden on you. You have to live with that guilt. And saddling yourself with extra burden is just a really dumb thing to do.

At the end of the day, a lie of omission is still a lie.

I will say that I’ve gotten much better about this ever since my divorce. It’s taking me a long time to even consciously realize that I do this.

In fact, sometimes I wonder if maybe I have gone too far in the opposite direction. I can be brutally honest with people at times. One of the things I tend to pride myself on is my tactfulness when talking to other people. But there are times where, trying so hard to be honest, I just give people straight facts. It’s like Jack Nicholson says in A Few Good Men: you can’t handle the truth!

Of course, when dealing with a narcissist, there is no right or wrong answer. they don’t want to be lied to you, and they don’t really want to hear the truth most times either. I wonder sometimes if that’s where I picked up my penchant for avoidance – dealing with my narcissistic exes.

I know these are clichés, but sometimes conflict is unavoidable. And honesty really is the best policy. this is something that it’s really taking me a long time to wrap my head around, particularly why I did it. That is something I still have to keep in mind every day.

What is one thing you could do less of?

Thanks for stopping by Rebuilding Rob. All of your views, likes and follows are greatly appreciated! Be sure to follow me on social media as well! Check out my most recent posts below…

• Rob’s Retro Movie Review: This is Spinal Tap (1984) – The Movie That Scaled to Eleven
• A Death in the Family (And My Disposable Income): My Life in Comics
• The Supporting Cast: Navigating the Eras of Male Friendship
• Life is What Happens: A Look Back at My Non-Existent 2025 Vision
• The Moment I Walked Inside a Hallmark Movie

The article “Like an Ostrich With His Head in the Sand” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob