Going with the Flow (Without Getting the Shaft)

As WordPress continues to recycle old prompts, I pulled another prompt from The Coffee Monsterz Co to respond to today

What is an admirable trait you see in others, that you wish you had yourself?

Forgive me if I sound like a broken record talking about this, but one trait that I see in others and wish I had in myself is being more assertive. Assertiveness is something that I have actually been working on for the last few years, in particular with my counselor, Lomax. I do think I am getting better at it, but it is constantly a work in progress.

In fact, just these last two weeks I had two instances where I really had to put my foot down. last week, there was a Christmas gift I wanted to get for Kid One from his Amazon list. I had thought that I had a conversation with Ex One stating my intention of getting the toolbox, but evidently, I had this conversation with Fred instead.

After I got paid and finally went online to order the toolbox, I saw that it had already been purchased. I immediately texted X1 and told her the situation and about how badly I wanted to get the toolbox, because the old man used to buy tools for me when I was Kid 1 age. X1 agreed to return the gift so that I could purchase it for him.

At first, I felt like I was being a little bit whiny about it. But then at the same time, I had to consciously remind myself to be more assertive and that it’s okay to speak up for things that I want and stand up for myself. Besides, Ex One really gave me no flack about it, so it really wasn’t a big deal after all.

The Difference Between Aggressive and Assertive

Fast-forwarding to just yesterday, initially my plan was to get Kid One for a couple of days before Christmas and then meet up with Ex One somewhere in Virginia, so that he could go back to South Carolina for the remainder of his school break.

Kid One decided that he wanted to spend an extra day with his cousins, so instead of me picking him up tonight from a location that is about an hour closer to my house, I will be traveling out to his cousin’s house tomorrow to get him. I felt slighted about this, feeling like I was a relative getting the shaft. I must face it: I am.

To be honest, I feel worse for Veronica and Fred, who both are planning their holiday festivities around me. Veronica has plans with her family, but also wanted to be sure that she got to see me for the holiday. Now I don’t really have plans either with mother or with Keon, as Gil hasn’t really reached out to either of us regarding anything beyond Christmas dinner at his mother-in-law‘s house.

I put my foot down with him though. I wasn’t aggressive about it or anything, but I told him that if he wanted to spend an extra day with his cousins, that was fine. But my counter-proposal was driving him on the 25th, or Christmas Day, instead of on Christmas Eve. He seemed good with that.

Again, I think it’s important to point out here that there is a vast difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Aggressive people like to bull people over. Being assertive is more about stating what you want and standing your ground. I guess it’s like the difference between defending yourself and being a bully.

Lessons from the Classroom

My problem has never been that I was too aggressive. Far from it. In fact, for most of my life, I’ve been much, much too passive. A polite way for most people to say it is that I am a “go with the flow” kind of guy, but the problem is I often go with the flow at the expense of my own personal wants or needs.

Even in my classroom, I’m always trying to be a little bit more assertive with my students. I’m a pretty easy-going teacher. Sometimes I’m probably a pushover. In the past, I’m sure I had some students who would’ve described me as “soft.”

But I am happy to say that I have gotten a little bit stricter, a little bit more disciplined in my classroom. I like to have a comfortable rapport with my students, but I do have my non-negotiables. I do have my lines in the sand that I will not allow students to cross.

And I find, more often than not, they respect that. It turns out that people—whether they are family members or teenagers in a classroom—actually prefer to know where the boundaries lie. They don’t see me as a bully; they see me as someone who finally knows his own worth.

A Challenge for the “Easy-Going” Reader

I’m still a work in progress, and the “go with the flow” guy is still in there, but I’m learning that my voice doesn’t have to be loud to be firm. I’ve realized that if I don’t advocate for my own place in the holiday plans or my own traditions with my son, nobody else will do it for me.

So, if you’ve spent your life being the “easy-going” one while quietly feeling like you’re getting the shaft, I want to challenge you: try putting your foot down. It doesn’t have to be an explosion; it can just be a quiet, honest counter-proposal. You might be surprised to find that when you finally stand your ground, the people who matter are more than happy to meet you there.

I know I talk about my journey with assertiveness a lot, but it’s a lesson I keep having to learn. Do you have a trait you’re constantly working on? Let’s talk in the comments.

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