The Breadcrumb Audit

As I continue my March toward 1000 consecutive days of blogging, it’s getting more difficult to find unique or interesting prompts that I want to write about. I leaned into Google Gemini for this thought-provoking question which helped me narrow my focus for today’s post.

Since the start of the year—and really, since the end of my relationship with X2—I’ve been living by a new mandate: “I will not settle for anything less than 100% of exactly what I want in life.” Recently, I added a second part to this philosophy: “Anything less than 100% is breadcrumbs.”

With that in mind, I had to ask myself:

Where am I still willing to settle for scraps?

The “Mr. Right Now” Pattern

The most obvious answer is XST. She’s the “one who got away” who keeps coming back. We reconnected over the holidays, moving past the small talk into the deeper stuff. But the pattern repeated. I told her straight out that I was attracted to her and wanted to pursue something real, but that I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She told me she didn’t feel an “instant spark.” It stung, but it was a wake-up call. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. I’ve been putting her on a pedestal, playing the role of “Mr. Right Now” while waiting for a position that isn’t open. I showed her my cards. Maybe it wasn’t the “smartest” way to play the game, but I’m done dancing on the head of a needle.

And yet, I have to be honest: I haven’t fully let go. I’m trying not to be “that guy” who keeps a woman in his pocket as a backup plan, but I’m still holding onto that thread for now.

The Mirror: Slow vs. Static

Then there is Veronica. I’ve praised “The Art of Moving Slowly” with her, but I’m starting to think I’ve embraced that theme a little too much. I might be in denial.

Last year, when I asked “where do we stand,” she laughed. Not out of malice, but because she had no answers. “I’m not seeing anyone else” was the only bar she could clear. That’s a crumb.

We haven’t been physical beyond kissing. No weekends away, no nights spent together. I tell myself it’s the logistics—her son’s needs, her faith. But the truth is, we don’t talk about it. At 51, I have performance issues I’m actively addressing, but we’ve never even had a conversation about sex.

The Empty Weekend and Option C

This past weekend was a test. I didn’t have my kids. I had a house to myself and a hot tub. We didn’t see each other. I didn’t invite her, and she didn’t ask. I told myself I just needed to decompress, but it made me wonder: if I can’t take my armor off and just be with her during my free time, what am I building?

I’ve realized I don’t necessarily want to be married or engaged again. I value my space and my “Saturday Clearing.” But there’s a difference between avoiding a wedding and avoiding a relationship. Sleeping with the person I’ve been seeing for over a year shouldn’t feel like a radical request; it should be the natural progression.

But as I write this, it’s starting to occur to me that I’ve been framing this as a binary choice. XST or Veronica. The Spark or the Build. What if neither one is the answer?

This weekend, alone in my house, I found a level of peace that neither of these situations provides. I wasn’t waiting for a text or wondering why the stairs were so flat. I was just… me. Maybe “Option C”—choosing my own peace and my own clearing—is the only way to stay true to the policy.

The Verdict

I’m starting to learn that a “100% Policy” means I can’t be the only one holding the map. I’m 51 years old. I don’t want a wife, but I do want a partner who actually wants to be with me—in every sense of the word. And if that’s not on the table, I’m perfectly fine enjoying the silence of my own home.

I’m done with the crumbs. I’m holding out for the whole meal, even if I have to cook it for myself.

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AI art created with Google Gemini.

The article “The Breadcrumb Audit” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob.