When “Fine” Isn’t Fine: Armor, Bullshit, and the Strategic Lie

Thanks to Eric Fulton for this writing prompt. Eric is the geo- tracking, pizza-making mastermind of Eric Fulton’s blog. If you haven’t seen his blog yet, check it out!

When was the last time you said “I’m fine” and absolutely was not?

My immediate answer to this question is probably this morning as I was coming in to work. I don’t mean that to say that I’m “absolutely not fine.” In fact, things are going pretty well in my life right now. But as humans, “I’m fine” might be the biggest lie we tell each other.

The Social Lubricant

I’m reminded of a segment I saw years ago on The Daily Show regarding the academic difference between a lie and bullshit. I actually wrote a post about this years ago, exploring the theory that people lie when they know the truth and want to hide it, whereas bullshit is when you don’t know what the truth is—and you don’t particularly care.

In an old episode of Happy Days, Fonzie tells Richie, “Bull makes the world go round.” He was right. When we say “I’m fine” to a stranger on the street or a coworker in the breakroom, it’s bullshit. It’s the social lubricant that keeps the world turning without us having to actually engage. Especially post-COVID, we’ve collectively become less social; “I’m fine” is the quickest way to end a conversation before it starts. We don’t care if they know the truth, and they don’t really want to hear it.

But when we say “I’m fine” to a partner in a romantic (or even platonic) relationship, it’s no longer bullshit. It’s a lie. It’s a calculated move to hide the truth because we fear that truth will be exploited or used as ammunition.

The Weaponization of Vulnerability

When a man says this to his partner on a regular basis, it often means he has emotionally shut down. He’s not good, and he’s choosing not to share his feelings. If a man says this regularly, he’s essentially done. He has emotionally detached himself; from that point forward, he won’t tell her how he’s feeling about anything.

Perhaps the main reason men do this is because, at some point, they feel their feelings have been used against them. Collectively, men are often chastised for not “opening up,” but unfortunately for many of us, once we do, that hurt or insecurity is thrown back in our faces—stored away as ammunition for a future argument.

I have been guilty of shutting down like this in some of my previous relationships, with X1 and X2 in particular. In fact, that’s a major reason why both of those relationships ended. I said “I’m fine” because I wasn’t going to share my vulnerabilities just to have them weaponized again. We both retreated into our own cocoons, and the relationship became an empty shell.

Breaking the Cycle (Option C)

I’ve talked to Veronica about this. We both agree that when a partner says “I’m fine,” they are anything but. In fact, we even tease each other a little bit if one of us says it in a conversation or a text. More than once, we’ve had to qualify the statement: “No, sincerely. I’m actually fine. 🙂”

It’s a relief to finally have a partner where the “guy armor” doesn’t feel like a requirement for survival. Even if a small piece of that old armor stays on—waiting for the other shoe to drop out of habit—the walls are lower than they’ve ever been.

The truth is, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they don’t have to build a wall to stay safe. If you’re in a situation where you can’t talk to your partner without fear of your heart being used against you, it wears on your mental health. You start looking for other outlets. It’s a hard truth, but if you’re stuck in the “I’m fine” cycle, you need to choose yourself—your own “Option C”—and find the exit.

Living in a shell isn’t the same thing as living.

What about you? When was the last time you used “I’m fine” as armor instead of an answer? Do you feel like you’re in a space where you can safely take that armor off, or are you still waiting for the other shoe to drop? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

The Conversation Evolves This Wednesday

For a long time, I’ve been sharing my thoughts here on the page—navigating the “art of moving slowly” and the “audacity of potential”. This Wednesday, Feb 4th, the conversation evolves. I’m officially launching Season 2 of Rebuilding Rob: The Podcast, and I’d love for you to join me in this newly redesigned space.

Can’t wait until Wednesday? You can listen to the 90-second season trailer right now!

Thanks for stopping by Rebuilding Rob. Be sure to like 👍, comment, and subscribe below. It’s greatly appreciated! Also, feel free to follow me on social media and check out my recent posts!

AI art created with Google Gemini.

The article “When ‘Fine’ Isn’t Fine: Armor, Bullshit, and the Strategic Lie” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob.

A silhouette of Atlas holding the world, representing the strength and foundation of the first 13 years of Rebuilding Rob