Just This Week
this is a great blog entry that very nearly perfectly encompasses my feelings as an educator in regards to yesterday’s horrible tragedy in Connecticut.
via Just This Week.
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- Newtown report renews focus on role of Lanza’s mom (jacksonville.com)
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getting the ball rolling
I got a pair of e-mails from the paralegal who’s working with my lawyer – regarding the separation of me and the STBX. That’s a good thing. I was getting ready to call them after finally getting a receipt from them in the mail earlier this week.
I just made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. I’ve been getting these headaches on an almost daily basis. It could be sinuses; they could be stress; they could be both. What I do know is that they’re frustrating and I’m hoping to get some answers tomorrow.
I’m willing to bet that other people have health issues in the aftermath of a divorce. I’m sure my bizarre sleep schedule isn’t helping me any.
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- What Lawyers Really Think of Paralegals (recoveringparalegal.wordpress.com)
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it was a good day
This video always reminds me of Sunday mornings.
I haven’t written anything in over a week at least nothing that’s ready for posting yet. I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately: thinking about my son and the STBX. But last night and today was much different. Either i’m starting to settle in, or my sleep schedule got so out-of-whack that I’m naturally starting to sleep again at night.
A big reason I haven’t written lately is because i’ve been so caught up in the Tigers games as the regular season has turned into the postseason. I’d normally be a little bummed that my Dad didn’t get playoff tickets this year; but it’s been so cold, and I’ve been so “off-kilter” that I don’t really mind.
I spoke to my son tonight. It was only a 5 minute conversation; but unlike most times we talk, I never got the feeling either one of us was sad at the end. I didn’t the urge to get out and walk. Thoughts of the STBX did NOT run through my head. It was just a good, albeit brief, conversation. Last night was even better. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was the most engaged he’s been in a phone conversation with me yet.
Are we both turning the proverbial corner? Are we getting used to the new normal? The second of my two classes finally met yesterday, and i definitely feel like I’m transitioning back into school quite nicely. In any case, I’m grateful to finally have a few distractions in my life right now. I still need to get out and socialize more, but I’m glad with how things are starting to go for me lately.
At the same time, I don;t want to forget how angry I am with the STBX, or how much it hurts to not be in my son’s everyday life. That anger and hurt motivates me. It motivates me to take care of what I need to do here so I can get back to South Carolina.
That, and a deep run in the postseason by the Tigers will make this winter a lot easier to endure.
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…and valleys
I have good days and I have bad days. On those days in-the-middle, i have good times and i have bad times.
Earlier tonight was one of those bad times. As time drags on, i’m having a harder time dealing with not seeing my son. I occurred to me earlier tonight that this – living w/ my parents, scraping to get by, going back to school – this is my life now. It’s not a vacation; it is the new normal. And it sucks.
Today is September 11 and by and large, I’ve done a pretty good of avoiding all of the 9/11 TV specials. This is especially interesting since I’ve been home all day. I may be that 9/11 is finally becoming just another day in history for most of us. In my opinion, that’s a good thing. it suggests a return to normalcy for the country at large.
I finally went through the separation document the STBX had written up and put my remarks into a Word document for my lawyer to look at. I hope to finally send that to him tomorrow.
Yesterday, I started something I should have done 22 years ago. Inspired by my high school reunion, I decided to finally label photos from my trip to France all those years ago. Whatever it takes, I guess.
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a bump in the road
I don’t think I mentioned this before, but for the last few years, I have been dealing with anxiety, taking prescription medication for it. For the most part, I’ve been able to live with it; but there is no wonder drug that magically makes you feel 100%. Not that I know, legal or otherwise.
Just as I was going to bed last night, I had what i can only describe as an anxiety attack. I don’t know if it was the worst one I’ve ever had, but it’s the worst that I’ve had in a long time. As laid down, all my fears, anxieties, frustrations and anger just came to the surface. I felt as if I was suffocating. I had to release all this energy. I had to get out of the house.
Normally, i would probably start pounding beers, but I had just brushed my teeth; and nothing sounds worse than beer and fluoride. If I was a smoker, I probably would have gone outside to light up. I was to wigged out to go driving, so I decided to go for a walk. Surprisingly, it helped me, far more than I expected.
My mind went to some really dark places last night. It was, as I described it to my mother, like my brain had shifted into another gear. Maybe a nuclear meltdown would be a better analogy. Everything was fine one minute; nearly catastrophic the next. And something had to give. Fortunately, the feeling passed almost as quickly as it came on. I guess the little Homer Simpsons in my brain managed to get things locked down just in the nick of time.
I tried to keep today as stress-free as possible, of course, it helps that the Tigers won. God, I’m gonna miss baseball this winter.
I talked to my son today, and yesterday too actually. He’s enjoying Kindergarten, which is as it should be. He’s already asking me to visit again. Good news on the school front, but I won’t get into that just yet out of fear of jinxing things.
HERE i GO AGAIN WITH ANOTHER VIDEO: Rumor as it that Paul McCartney wrote this for Julian Lennon, when his parents were going through their divorce; although there are conflicting stories on the song’s origin.
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- How to Overcome Anxiety and Panic Attacks Permanently (pursuitingmyhappiness.wordpress.com)
- Bumps in the Road (learned-happiness.com)
- Proven Medications for Relieving Anxiety (depression.answers.com)
- Start Reducing Your Anxiety (healing.answers.com)
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Take a look at my check-in at Lakeside Mall
Four words: back to school shopping. (@ Lakeside Mall) http://4sq.com/Os5KPD
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Back in the D
My son and I made it back into Michigan late Saturday night. Sunday was a slow day around the home front, as we picked up my brother, his family and my sister from the airport. They were tired. We were tired. Everyone basically went home and crashed. Today I took my son to play minautre golf and ride go karts, as you may have seen in the previous post.
This past Thursday night the STBX hands me a copy of the separation agreement that her lawyer wrote up. It looks pretty straight-forward but I’m still going to have a professional review it for me. The stink of it is that there are a few things in there that she and I did not agree to. I don’t know what she was thinking giving it to me on a Thursday night. Surely she realizes that I wasn’t going to get anyone to look at it before Monday at the absolute earliest. Maybe she wasn’t thinking at all. Maybe it was all to well orchestrated: give it to me the night before I drive 800 miles across 5 states so I can just stew on it.
I did not shed a single tear when I left The House this time. It is no longer my home; nor did it feel as such. I know I’m in a better place today emotionally than I was 5 weeks ago, but I still feel that there’s a big void inside of me. I have no desire to get back together with her; but since a large part of my life was defined by our relationship, it;s going to take time for me to rediscover myself again.
That’s what this blog is all about.
It’s been so much fun having my son here with me. Thank God I still have two more days with him. I cannot imagine how difficult these next few months are going to be as we all get back to our regularly-scheduled lives. If I’m lucky, the next time I see him will probably be Thanksgiving, maybe even Christmas.
Divorce truly brings out the worst in the people you think you know best. I’m not sure what’s worse – events that are unfolding now or knowing in hindsight that these feelings were obviously festering for some time.
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Take a look at my check-in at C.J. Barrymore’s
Fun with Ben (@ C.J. Barrymore’s) http://4sq.com/Msfloi
Enjoying some time with the boy over our summer break.
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The road back
En route up North with my son to spend some quality together before everyone goes back to school.
He was psyched to get on the road when we woke up Friday morning. As we pulled into the hotel tonight, he had a meltdown; saying he wanted to go home to be with his mom.
The fact that he was tired certainly played a big part of said meltdown. He is 5 after all and I’m sure he’s very confused by our separation. God knows I am.
Still, he hasn’t seen her in 12 hours and he’s freaking out. He hasn’t seen me in a month; and while he was ecstatic 3 days ago, it’s like I’m old news. I’m trying to keep in mind the five year old state of mind, but it’s still hard.
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