Tag Archives: alcohol

Some Kind of Monster, part 3

The following is a re-telling of an event that occurred on the night of Saturday June 8th into the morning of Sunday June 9th 2013.  It is on a very short list of the most shameful experience of my life.  It has taken me literally two weeks to process everything that occurred, get multiple perspectives on the chain of events, mend the most essential fences and finally have the nerve to re-live it.  I chose to write this now because I realize that this blog may one day burn some bridges with it’s brutal honesty; and I want to show future readers that I am just as willing to hold myself to the same proverbial fires. 

Click HERE to read part one of this story.  Click HERE for part two.  

If you have to compare your behavior to that of Doughboy, you better believe you've got  a problem

If you have to compare your behavior to that of Doughboy, you better believe you’ve got a problem

At this point I should also mention that I ordered a shot of something  called “liquid cocaine” ( I think mine was closest to the number 2 recipe from what I recall).  Later, Phred had ordered a couple pitchers of beer, but she wasn’t feeling good and ended up leaving early.  And guess who decided to “take one for them team and finish them off?

Apparently at one point, one of The Auteur’s friends asked J if I was okay.  He said “I’ve seen him drink way more than this,”.  The only problem was that J didn’t join us at the bar until after almost midnight.  Maybe he was just trying to downplay the situation.  Either way, I don’t blame him.  But The Auteur and her friends knew J got there late.  How the hell would he have known if I was okay?

Things then went right from the toilet to the sewer as we left the bar shortly before  closing.  As we were walking out, some guy cut in front of The Auteur, putting his hands all over her, trying to come on to her.  The guys was so out of line that I would have come to the defense of any female in our group under the circumstances.  The fact that this was my girlfriend only served to make even more angry.  I, literally, got in this guys face and said “We got a problem here?”  even as trashed as I was, I had no intention of fighting this guy whatsoever; but I wasn’t going to tolerate him acting this way toward any of my friends, let alone my girlfriend.  I simply wanted him to know that The Auteur was with me.  All I wanted to hear was a “hey we’re cool,” but that was probably wishful thinking.

I remember the Auteur literally stepping in between me and Wandering Cock 2013.  I’m told that one of his friends got up behind him and at this point, J showed up behind me.  Somehow a bouncer caught my attention and suggested that I leave.  So I did.  I thought that the group was directly behind me; but evidently,I left the bar at an even faster clip than I realized.  I walked back to Phred’s apartment, alone.  J got into his car and left.  The Auteur and her friends got a ride with one of the girls who showed up late and beat me back to Phred’s place.  The Auteur, who had taken the proverbial high road all evening, simply suggested that I “sleep this off”.   I passed out at Phred’s place – only after putting a hole in her wall – and drove home at about 6:30 that morning.

That morning, I spoke with J, Phred and The Auteur and I was forced to do some serious soul searching.  Phred suggested that I talked to somebody (i.e. a counselor or psychiatrist).  I told The Auteur that I would, and that I was giving up alcohol.  I ruined her birthday celebration and I scared her.  To be honest, I scared myself as well.  I made an atrocious first impression on several of her friends simultaneously.  Even now, as I type this, I’m nauseous thinking about the entire experience.

At one point in our conversation Sunday morning, The Auteur said something to the effect of:  “you can’t act like this anymore.  you’re not 20”.  The fact is, I could not have even done that when I was 20.  Since my divorce, I started drinking A LOT more than I ever had before.  I have my seen my tolerance steadily increase.  I had had a few scares similar to this: one time not knowing where or when I spent all my cash; another time not even remembering my drive home.  This incident with The Auteur’s birthday, combined with my other scares, led me to the conclusion that I had to stop drinking.  As of this writing, I have been sober for 17 days with absolutely no intention of ever taking another drink.

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Some Kind of Monster – a near-tragedy in 3 parts

The following is a re-telling of an event that occurred on the night of Saturday June 8th into the morning of Sunday June 9th 2013.  It is on a very short list of the most shameful experience of my life.  It has taken me literally two weeks to process everything that occurred, get multiple perspectives on the chain of events, mend the most essential fences and finally have the nerve to re-live it.  I chose to write this now because I realize that this blog may one day burn some bridges with it’s brutal honesty; and I want to show future readers that I am just as willing to hold myself to the same proverbial fires.

June 7 was The Auteur’s birthday.  She and a friend had tickets to the Pitbull concert that night, so we were going to get a small group of people together Saturday night for a belated celebration.  I was EXTREMELY anxious about giving The Auteur her birthday presents that night.  This is primarily due to the fact that the STBX never really cared for ANY gifts that I ever got her.  Seeing constant disappointment over the better part of 18 years made me think that I was just a bad gift-giver.  Then of course, there were the years when neither of us could afford to exchange birthday or Christmas gifts.  Combine those lean times with the inevitable disappointment that occurred when I tried  to give gifts and after a while, I simply stopped trying.  Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I ever bought the STBX a can of bug spray or a vacuum cleaner.  In fact, I put a great deal of thought into every gift I ever gave her.  But, as I’ve come to realize  like every other aspect of our marriage – nothing, and I mean NOTHING was ever “good enough”  for the STBX.

We had all agreed to meet up at Sis’s apartment.  I wrapped up The Auteur’s gifts there and was really panicking.  Planning to have a drink or three before going out, I brought along my Jagermeister and Red Bull.  Hey, beer had been bothering my stomach the last few times I drank it – this was my rationale in my anxiety-ridden mind.  Rather than taking my second Inderal to help settle my nerves, I decided to self-medicate the way alcoholics do.  Rather than do it through beer, as I always had in the past, I reached for the Jager.

Oh, and it worked all right.  My nerves were calmed…i.e.  I had a pretty good buzz going by the time The Auteur and her friends arrived at Sis’s.  God she looked so beautiful that night, as she does every night.  I remember a moment there in Sis’s kitchen where we were holding each other, looking deep into each others eyes and I had an epiphany:  I realized that everything would be okay as long as we were together.  I was just ecstatic to see her.  And so relieved when she like the gifts I had gotten her.  I had realized then how dumb it was of me to be so worried about whether or not she would like my gifts.  Neither The Auteur nor any other woman I have ever met could ever be as impossible to please as the STBX.  Holding any other woman to that low of a standard is a disservice to them all.  Anyway, I was feeling pretty good at this point.  the problem with me and hard liquor is that I don’t realize just hard the sauce is hitting me until it’s too late.  When I had my epiphany, I should have put the brakes on the drinking then and there, but I didn’t.  I should have heeded the wisdom of my epiphanic moment, but I didn’t.  Little did I know that i was about to completely lose control that night.

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