The pressures of teaching all caught up with me yesterday: Coming in late in the school year, getting to know the kids, their backgrounds, the pressures they fact and the expectations placed upon them – or in some cases lack thereof; report card grades coming up and preparing for my first formal evaluation all hit me with the force of a Mack truck.
I literally worried myself sick.
The truth is, I
think know that I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. Even as a kid, people told me I was a “worry wart”. I was so intimidated by my second grade teacher that I worked my stomach into a tizzy throughout that entire school year. A few years ago, I was prescribed anti-depressants which may have fixed a short-term problem, only to hide something I’ve been dealing with all my life, namely anxiety.
Yesterday was my breaking point. Enough is enough, I decided. Yesterday was the last time I will ever allow myself to make myself sick. I’m seeing my family doctor in two days, which makes me feel better about things.
The one thing I’ve always said, even when I had my teaching job down South is that education programs do not prepare teachers for the psychological aspects of teaching. It’s not an easy job. Teachers take their work home with them every single night. their kids become a part of their everyday lives. Sure you get weekends and summers off, but you don’t get to take long lunches, or cut out early or even go to the bathroom whenever you fee like. I know this may sound like whining, and maybe it is, but I’m ranting.
It’s only Halloween, but reality is starting to hit me:
Winter, and Christmas, are coming soon and I for one am not ready for wither of them.
I really hate winter. It goes back to when I was a little kid. i used to hate winter because it meant the end of baseball season. as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that there’s much more to it than that. Back when I was at Eastern one winter, I nearly dropped out of school. i had just stopped going; and then I stopped leaving the house. It was an incredibly low time for me; a sensation I didn’t have to experience once while I lived in South Carolina.
Last winter, my first in Michigan in nearly a decade, was nowhere near as bad as I expected it to be. The weather was pretty mild, for the most part. I was working out and I was out socializing. School kept me busy. Alcohol kept me numb. Now, I’m just getting back to work, living 2 hours away from my gym, and with the exception of 2 glasses of wine on Sweetest day, i haven’t had a drink in 143 days.
but I love living with The Auteur. i spent a few days at my parents’ house 2 weeks ago and I felt like I was just visiting. I truly feel like I’m at home living with The Auteur; at least, as close as anything feels to home these days.
I don’t think I mentioned this before, but for the last few years, I have been dealing with anxiety, taking prescription medication for it. For the most part, I’ve been able to live with it; but there is no wonder drug that magically makes you feel 100%. Not that I know, legal or otherwise.
Just as I was going to bed last night, I had what i can only describe as an anxiety attack. I don’t know if it was the worst one I’ve ever had, but it’s the worst that I’ve had in a long time. As laid down, all my fears, anxieties, frustrations and anger just came to the surface. I felt as if I was suffocating. I had to release all this energy. I had to get out of the house.
Normally, i would probably start pounding beers, but I had just brushed my teeth; and nothing sounds worse than beer and fluoride. If I was a smoker, I probably would have gone outside to light up. I was to wigged out to go driving, so I decided to go for a walk. Surprisingly, it helped me, far more than I expected.
My mind went to some really dark places last night. It was, as I described it to my mother, like my brain had shifted into another gear. Maybe a nuclear meltdown would be a better analogy. Everything was fine one minute; nearly catastrophic the next. And something had to give. Fortunately, the feeling passed almost as quickly as it came on. I guess the little Homer Simpsons in my brain managed to get things locked down just in the nick of time.
I tried to keep today as stress-free as possible, of course, it helps that the Tigers won. God, I’m gonna miss baseball this winter.
I talked to my son today, and yesterday too actually. He’s enjoying Kindergarten, which is as it should be. He’s already asking me to visit again. Good news on the school front, but I won’t get into that just yet out of fear of jinxing things.
HERE i GO AGAIN WITH ANOTHER VIDEO: Rumor as it that Paul McCartney wrote this for Julian Lennon, when his parents were going through their divorce; although there are conflicting stories on the song’s origin.
- How to Overcome Anxiety and Panic Attacks Permanently (pursuitingmyhappiness.wordpress.com)
- Bumps in the Road (learned-happiness.com)
- Proven Medications for Relieving Anxiety (depression.answers.com)
- Start Reducing Your Anxiety (healing.answers.com)