I’ve never been one to say that anyone is “too old for this” or “too old for that”. In fact, I’ve always lived my life by the expression that “age is nothing but a state of mind”. But the fact is, I’m almost forty years old. I haven’t worked out for months, I don’t party like I used to and I’m getting any younger.
The Auteur and I went to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. in Lansing last night. During the show, I had a shocking revelation:
I’m getting a little old for the whole “concert going” thing.
I got sore standing in one spot for extended periods of time. It was really hot standing around, completely surrounded by other heavy breathing, sweaty, alcohol-fueled concert goers. It was really creepy when The Auteur and I realized that the only people in attendance older than us were probably the various band members’ parents. And even they were watching the show through their smartphones. The whole smartphones-at-concerts thing was something I missed out on during the concert drought I went through for most of my 30’s. I tried. The last concert I went to in Charleston was Public Enemy. I snapped a few pics there with my Droid, but I couldn’t bring myself to snap dozens or hundreds of pictures the way that some people seem to do now. Another thing that shocked me was how affected I was by drinking a single beer. The fact is, I almost never drink anymore. I wasn’t sloshed or anything but the beer and the temperature in the bar really made me drowsy.
Sadly, this isn’t the first concert I’ve noticed this at. I felt much same way at Depeche Mode this past summer. The only differences there are the fact that it was a much bigger, outdoor venue and it was an older and much more mellow crowd. Of course, at that show, I didn’t have any alcohol.
The worst part of all this is, as I mentioned earlier, I’m not getting any younger. This isn’t going to get any easier. I mean, I could start working out again. That may help me feel more energetic, but I’m still getting going to get older.
This is definitely uncharted territory for me.
I know I haven’t been in very many relationships in my life, but this is the most insecure I’ve been in any relationship I’ve ever had. Not once, not for on second, did I ever question the STBX, or doubt that she loved me, or questioned her fidelity. But then, I also look at how that relationship turned out…
I don’t feel very confident or secure in my relationship with The Auteur. The field she’s going into is overwhelmingly dominated by men. She works and attends classes almost entirely with guys. There are at least three of them that I know of who had feelings for her and are all too willing to express said feelings. To be honest, I’ve seen some of the guys she works with. There’s a part of me that says “if she goes after one of those losers, let her.” They’re dip-shits. They’re nerds. They’re fat, ugly, movie geeks. Besides, I SATISFY her.
And yet, she doesn’t trust me. When I went to a local bar with Sis a few weeks back, she asked me point-blank if I was going there to meet somebody; this on a day when she made a day-trip with a girlfriend of hers and their 2 daughters.
Granted, I do have one strike me in this regard. Very early on in our relationship, I responded to an e-mail I received through http://www.match.com. I wrote back to this other woman, and it was all innocent enough. This other woman turned out to be a friend of The Auteur’s . Through casual conversation about their match experiences, they realized they were talking about the same guy…me. She denies it, but to this day, I’m convinced that it was a set-up.
The night she found out about it, she called me some pretty horrible things. To put it another way: the only other women who have ever called me such things are no longer a part of my life. Even now, I’m still a little shocked I managed to save this relationship over the few days that followed.
Maybe that’s why I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust me. I’ve always felt that people who don’t trust you are like that because they have something they themselves are holding back. She doesn’t trust me; so I guess I assume that I shouldn’t trust her either.
I’m sure my impending divorce has a lot to do with it too. The events of the last 12-18 months have jaded me in ways that I just beginning to understand. I’m not a real firm believer in love right now. Hell, I’m not a real firm believer in much anything these days.
This crap with her ex (I call him Mr. Slate) has me second-guessing things too. Their divorce was supposed to be finalized this month. Now he’s just stalling. To make matters worse, she’s getting ready to take part in the local 48 hour student-film project again this year. Just like last year, Rhino is probably going to be THE major financial contributor to the project. He’s got a really good job and no life outside of it; so there’s plenty of money for him to burn. If our roles were reversed, The Auteur would be LIVID at the thought of the STBX being a major benefactor to a project I was working on.
What the hell did I get myself into here? Is this crazy? Am I the crazy one? Am I being too insecure, or was Kurt Cobain on to something when he sang “just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you”?
- Trusting Again (cshort225.wordpress.com)