Tag Archives: separation

It doesn’t have to be a perfect world

As we move closer to finalizing my divorce, the STBX will hereafter be referred to as "Jabba"

As we move closer to finalizing my divorce, the STBX will hereafter be referred to as “Jabba”

I called off from working Saturday night because I wanted to go  see The Auteur.  Earlier that evening, i asked my dad if I could borrow his car and go straight out to her house after work on Sunday morning.  He gave me his usual lecture about taking advantage of the car situation –  which admittedly, I am doing – and about getting my proverbial shit together.  I get.  I do:  he’s trying to hit me with the Tough Love approach but it prompted me to make a decision:  I’m moving in with The Auteur.

Her and I have discussed it for at least the last month or two; but talking about it, and making the decision seemed to put her mind at ease about a lot of things, and that put my mind at ease about a lot of things.

Monday would have been (was?) her and Rhino’s wedding anniversary.  He texted her in the morning, which she told me about.  Otherwise, the day went with virtually no matrimonial fanfare whatsoever, as far as I know.

I don’t feel that this decision – for the Auteur and I to live together – is an impulsive one.  Five months into my relationship with Jabba, I had bought her a ring and we had already been living together for months.  Comparatively speaking, this relationship has been a much more deliberate one.  It amazes me sometimes to think that we have only known each other for five months.  It seems like we’ve known each other for year, and not in a bad way; and yet so many things still feel so completely new.

As an outsider looking, in have to wonder, “what the hell is a separated-but-still-married-man doing even considering moving in with a separated-but-still-married-woman and her teenage daughter?”  I mean, i have every reason to believe that this could sabotage any possible visitation or custody attempts I may make at The Boy.

At the same time, being with The Auteur just feels right.  I am happiest when we are together.  I feel complete when I am with her.  This, my friends, is love.

To complicate things even more, I am scheduled to appear in court next week  one one day before the Auteur and I were planning our own trip down to South Carolina.  I’ve come to the realization that I almost certainly will not see The Boy on this trip.  Right now, I’m just hoping to see him at Thanksgiving.  I haven’t heard back from my lawyer since he sent me the court notice. I am very seriously considering firing this guy, but that’s probably not the best strategy with one week until my first court appearance.

I’m not asking for a perfect world.  The world is an imperfect place.  The Auteur and I have both been through our share of shit.  right now our lives are in an indefinite holding pattern until our divorces are completed.  I just want to be happy.  It’s like I keep saying to her: “it’s time for our happily ever after”.

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Virginia is for haters

This vanity plate says it all

This vanity plate says it all

With all due apologies to any native Virginian who may read this post…

The Boy finally calls me back at 10:30 last night, only to tell me that the STBX is taking him to Jellystone Park (A Yogi Bear theme park) in Virginia today.  As we conclude our conversation, I politely ask him to put his mother on the phone.  He agrees.

I ask her if it would be too much to ask if she could give me a “heads up” when she and The Boy were leaving the state.  She gets all defensive, about child support and visitation, etc.  At which point I finally ask her, “what’s going on with our court proceedings”.  She goes on to tell me that her lawyer is waiting to hear back from my lawyer.  The entire reason I even brought up our courtroom drama is because I haven’t spoke with my lawyer since before the July 4th holiday.

I explain to her what happened in court last month – as it was explained to me by my attorney.  She tells me flat-out that everything was discussed in court, including the amount for child support payments.  In turn, I tell her flat-out that  my attorney gave me a radically different story; explaining how her lawyer went on record stating that he had nothing and was not prepared for court that day.  To me, that suggests that the STBX has not paid her lawyer, thereby holding up the entire proceeding.  I didn’t call her a liar per se, but I made my thoughts very clear without doing so.

All that she has ever been about is money.  I told her as much and said that she wouldn’t be happy if I was sending them $1000 each month, which sadly is true.  I just want this divorce settled, so I can move on with my life.

The song in the video is really speaking to me right now…

A year and a day ago today…

A year and a day ago today…

My brother and The Old Man made the trip to South Carolina to help me move out of my then-home, leaving the STBX and The Boy in the process. I hope never in my life to have to do anything that emotionally draining again. Saying goodbye to The Boy was, BY FAR,  the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.  I am so grateful that he has taken everything the last year has thrown at him as well as he has.  He is an absolute soldier and he makes me beam with pride.

Back then I was still in the “hurt” mode.  It would be another 3 weeks or so before I became full-on angry with the STBX.  Today, I don’t know that I’m even angry at her anymore.  As I said in a previous blog, her continued existence annoys the shit out of me though.

It was hotter than hell on that trip back to MI.  104 in Columbia and like the traffic on Sunday, it was a mess.  I also remember that literally one-half  of the state of W. Virginia had lost power.  It got a little scary that night as gas stations were hit and miss.  Thankfully, we had no problems.

I also recall coming home and drinking beer, lots of it.  Beer was my coping mechanism.  I remember going to my cousin’s house (whom I shall code name “John Ryan”) for hid annual July 4th get-together, sitting down, and drinking one beer after another – basically until I couldn’t drink anymore.  As of now, I’ve been sober for 24 days and have no plans on hitting the sauce again.

Has it REALLY been a year already?

Back to the present…

UPDATE:  Wednesday, July 3 5:43 PM.

I took The Boy home on Sunday.  Saying goodbye was much easier this time.  He was pretty stoked to be home, see his pets and his mom.  As we said goodbye, he told “Now, don’t you cry Dad”.  I couldn’t help but bust out laughing.  I’ve always known that he would eventually take these goodbyes easier than I would; perhaps he’s already there.

On my way back into town, I spent Monday night at The Auteur’s house.  It was so good to see her and we seriously needed time together.  Since then, we’ve both said that we feel better about the state of our relationship.  Later the next day, I get a Facebook message from her saying that 1B knows that we are sleeping together.  What does one say to that?  Especially when it’s being brought up by their kid???

the worst laid plans

The Boy and I arrive tonight at our hotel in Summerville. I decided to call the STBX to arrange “the exchange” for tomorrow.  When I ask what time she wants to get The Boy, she tells me that she’s in Charlotte (a three hour drive from my current location) and their hotel checkout time isn’t until noon.

Now, I probably should not have had to remind her, but I went ahead and explained to the STBX that I had a 6 hour drive back to West Virginia for tomorrow – alone, mind you – that I am still facing; regardless of what time I drop off The Boy.  As much as we may hate each other and as much the STBX’s continued existence irritates the shit out of me, the two of us have got to find a way to work together at this whole co-parent thing.   Not just for drop-offs and visitation, but for his education, teaching him right and wrong – everything.

a new low

I was packing the van to bring The Boy back to South Carolina when the STBX called to inform The Boy that his fish had died.  He, naturally, was very upset but he handled it very well all things considered.

I understand that the STBX is a chaos freak, and she couldn’t care less how the Boy’s mood affects my drive on this road trip, but to exploit his emotions for her own personal kicks against me is beneath even her.  Or so I thought…

Love Rears It’s Ugly Head

I get a call from my attorney Thursday afternoon.  Not one of the paralegals, mind you, but the actual lawyer.  I’ve been calling his office for the last 2 weeks trying to get my summer visitation with The Boy to get put on the proverbial front-burner, since his last day of school was TODAY.

Anyway, he calls to tell me that the STBX’s team refuses to budge on only allowing me 4 weeks over the summer with The Boy (I wanted 6 weeks during the summer).  he goes on to explain to me that he had spoken not only with other lawyers, but also some judges who all seemed to think that no judge would give me 6 wee ks and any attempts to pursue it would be, in his words, “throwing good money after bad money”.  Seriously, why the hell did I even hire this guy?  This first battle was the only one I even gave a fuck about.  I could have saved a hell of a lot of money and just allowed the STBX’s attorney to fuck me in the ass this badly without any legal representation of my own.

I spoke with the Old Man Friday and we laid out a game plan for getting down to Charleston and getting The Boy.  I still haven’t spoke with the STBX, but I did e-mail her about my intentions this afternoon.

UPDATE:   Saturday June 1 8:57 PM

I got an e-mail from the STBX last night.  Now she’s apparently saying she wants The Boy back in South Carolina on June 30th.  Once again, I’m feeling like Lando Calrissian in that “this deal keeps getting worse all the time”.  Shortly thereafter, I spoke with The Auteur and told her what was going on.  she was totally sympathetic to Team Rob, of course; but then she proceeds to “uninvite” to the local Emmy awards show in which she was nominated for a student Emmy.  I understand what she was trying to do – relieve me of the guilt of telling her that I can’t afford the ticket to the show, but her timing could not have been worse.

The Old Man and I reconvened today (Saturday) and decided to leave on Wednesday after my dental appointment.  This most likely means that i wont be able to see The Auteur on her birthday (this Friday) but she already made plans to go to a concert that night anyway, so I already felt like I was playing second-fiddle anyway. She’s disappointed, and rightfully so, but I too was disappointed when I couldn’t see her on my birthday. It sucks, but we’ll both live.

I need to find a new way to cope with my impending divorce.  I feel like i’m getting butt-surfed by the STBX and both of our attorneys and I’m not handling it well at all.  The Auteur really called me out on it today, saying that I lay into her too much about it.  In a lot of ways, I think I do. She puts up with me talking about it far more than she should have to.

A question of trust

This is definitely uncharted territory for me.

I know I haven’t been in very many relationships in my life, but this is the most insecure I’ve been in any relationship I’ve ever had.  Not once, not for on second, did I ever question the STBX, or doubt that she loved me, or questioned her fidelity. But then, I also look at how that relationship turned out…

I don’t feel very confident or secure in my relationship with The Auteur. The field she’s going into is overwhelmingly dominated by men. She works and attends classes almost entirely with guys. There are at least three of them that I know of who had feelings for her and are all too willing to express said feelings. To be honest, I’ve seen some of the guys she works with. There’s a part of me that says “if she goes after one of those losers, let her.” They’re dip-shits. They’re nerds. They’re fat, ugly, movie geeks. Besides, I SATISFY her.

And yet, she doesn’t trust me. When I went to a local bar with Sis a few weeks back, she asked me point-blank if I was going there to meet somebody; this on a day when she made a day-trip with a girlfriend of hers and their 2 daughters.

Granted, I do have one strike me in this regard. Very early on in our relationship, I responded to an e-mail I received through http://www.match.com. I wrote back to this other woman, and it was all innocent enough. This other woman turned out to be a friend of The Auteur’s . Through casual conversation about their match experiences, they realized they were talking about the same guy…me. She denies it, but to this day, I’m convinced that it was a set-up.

The night she found out about it, she called me some pretty horrible things. To put it another way: the only other women who have ever called me such things are no longer a part of my life. Even now, I’m still a little shocked I managed to save this relationship over the few days that followed.

Maybe that’s why I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust me. I’ve always felt that people who don’t trust you are like that because they have something they themselves are holding back. She doesn’t trust me; so I guess I assume that I shouldn’t trust her either.

I’m sure my impending divorce has a lot to do with it too. The events of the last 12-18 months have jaded me in ways that I just beginning to understand. I’m not a real firm believer in love right now. Hell, I’m not a real firm believer in much anything these days.

This crap with her ex (I call him Mr. Slate) has me second-guessing things too. Their divorce was supposed to be finalized this month. Now he’s just stalling. To make matters worse, she’s getting ready to take part in the local 48 hour student-film project again this year. Just like last year, Rhino is probably going to be THE major financial contributor to the project. He’s got a really good job and no life outside of it; so there’s plenty of money for him to burn. If our roles were reversed, The Auteur would be LIVID at the thought of the STBX being a major benefactor to a project I was working on.

What the hell did I get myself into here? Is this crazy? Am I the crazy one? Am I being too insecure, or was Kurt Cobain on to something when he sang “just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you”?

On the 14,245th day, I reflected.

I apologize in advance if this entry sounds like the liner notes to an album; but I think my heart is in the right place.

Yesterday, for those who haven’t picked up on my math skills, was my 39th birthday and this is the youngest I have felt in years.

To all my fellow divorcees who feel daunted by the prospect of “getting back out there”: Be confident, be strong, give it a chance. When you are single, ANYTHING is possible. I formulated this mindset before the STBX and I even split up and the universe has spent the last 9 months convincing me of this.  This may feel like the hardest time  of your life – and it may very well be – but when you reach your proverbial silver lining, you will be in a much better place. I am living proof of that.

I have discovered the value and importance of doing something completely new. For the last 5 months, I have been working out on a regular basis, which I have discovered to benefit far more than the act “lifting things up putting them back down repeatedly” would suggest. It has proved to be an excellent outlet for me in moments of frustration, self-loathing and anger. I find my body to be craving better food and drink and actually being disgusted by things I used to love (see: soda). Sure, I’m still carrying around a spare tire; but aside from my 2 years of high-school swimming, I am probably in the best shape of my life.

Endless thanks go out to my family and friends. the people who would literally lie down in traffic for me. You have all put your proverbial wagons in a circle when I needed you most. I am honored, not just call you my friends, but to know that people like you exist.

And to the new friends I have made along the way: kindred spirits who have been or are going through the same things that I am. To the new friends and more-than-friends I’ve made in the past year, I promise you: I am just getting started.

You all know who you are.

It is my sincerest hope to make this blog public and provide support for those who are undergoing the “addition-through-subtraction” that is divorce. If a dork like me can not only survive but even prosper in this, the new normal, then anybody can.

I stumbled across this picture a while back.  I know it’s about rebuilding run-down homes, but  I’ve decided to adopt it for rebuilding run-down spirits.

I'm taking "rebuilding" back!

I’m taking “rebuilding” back!

when it rains…

I just got in from going out for the second time in as many nights this weekend.

Thanks to one of my ubiquitous, clandestine informants, it has come to my attention that one of sis’s friends from the social club, whom I shall refer to as “Ivy” admitted to liking me after imbibing in several alcoholic beverages on NYE. Truth be told, I’m kinda surprised I haven’t mentioned her before.  She’s one of the first people I met in the Social Club; having hung out with her at the Kenny Chesney pre-show tailgate shindig.  Ivy & I were pilgrims in an unholy land that day:  two alternative die-hards in an ocean of country folk.

She’s a cool girl and all, but I don’t really see a lot there besides a common taste in music. To be honest, I’m not really attracted to her at all- physically anyway.  She’s definitely one of those people I would have to get to know and then become attracted to, if you get my meaning.   Looking back on NYE, I could see how I may have been putting out “the vibe” to her; at one particular point when we were dancing. Not slow dancing, mind you, kinda fast, which may have been even worse than slow dancing.   Having this info in-hand made for a very awkward goodbye Saturday night. I sensed it from her and I certainly felt it myself.

Saturday night / Sunday morning, in one of those informal debriefings that take place on the way home from the bar , Sis tells me that she thinks that another one of her friends (an alias is forthcoming) seemed interested in me. Now, this one, I quickly refuted, inking that she AIF was just being drunk, friendly and maybe a little flirty. Who knows?  One of my great weaknesses is that it’s always been hard for me to pick up on a woman’s sometimes all-too-subtle hints. I’m pretty slow to pick up on those kinds of things, so who’s to say for sure?

To the fellas: In general, do you think  most women are too subtle when dropping hints at their feelings toward a guy?

Here i am, with definitely one, possibly two women thinking about me and yet i’m still pining after Red & SHG. I’m hoping they show up at Happy Hour this Friday; if for nothing else, than to finally put up or shut up with them.

Friday night while in Berkley, I experienced what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity: I realized that I have to just go after what I want. No more dilly-dallying or trying to be cool. Much of my success during my Samurai Days was a result of simply going after who or what I wanted. Sure, I would get shot down quite a but but the successes only helped to increase my confidence.  Right now, I can use all the confidence I can get.

All of this and nothing

On Monday morning, I got an e-mail from my attorney, stating that the STBX was served on Friday night. It was anti-climactic to say the least. For all of my thoughts leading up to it happening – the screaming match I imagined, the idle threats for which I mentally prepared myself, the thinly veiled Facebook postings alluding to our relationship – there was no reaction from her.  Nothing.   I’m not complaining. I’m just surprised.

Equally surprising have been my feelings about it. I thought I would be excited about it. I thought it would feel empowering.  I thought I would be gloating.  Instead, I feel none of that. When I saw it, it was just another e-mail.One of my favorite sayings is “the opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference”.  Maybe I’m just indifferent to the whole thing at this point.  For some time, I’ve been telling myself, and anyone who would listen, that I just want to move forward.  I guess I actually meant it.

Maybe she didn’t actually get the letter yet. Maybe she’s keeping quiet to mess with me. The one constant in her personality has been her inability to think before opening her mouth to speak. Maybe getting served knocked her off of her high horse.

Okay, I REALLY doubt that last line.

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