I’ll talk about a time when I did took some action but I wish I had handled things differently than i did. I have to go back to an incident that took place between X2 and my immediate family. This was upwards of 10 years ago, so while the details are a little fuzzy, the incident stays with me to this day.
Things were always a little dicey between X2 and my brother. He has never been the most warm or social person in the world and x2 took offense to it. It didn’t help that my sister-in-law / his wife was very similar to him in this regard. It all started the first few times we had gone over to my brothers house for family holiday gatherings. The VERY first time they met was at my parents house. She introduced herself and he virtually ignored her. I can vouch for this as I witnessed it myself.
X2 had brought it to my attention sometime after it happened. At first I brushed it off as him being a bit quiet or even a bit arrogant. Maybe he wasn’t feeling good or was tired, or whatever. Once time I one thing. That kind of treatment the first 3 or 4 consecutive times you meet someone is entirely different. But eventually it became a pattern. I didn’t like it and X2 disliked it more. At the time, it felt kind of pointless to confront my brother saying “Hey, we’re not coming to any of the family functions you host because you snobby”. So we decided to just stop attending family gatherings. Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, The Old Man’s birthday went by with us finding one excuse after another not to attend. A few of these excuses were actually legit; but it was becoming awkward. Of course, Thanksgiving was coming up. As one of the “major” holidays, this was about to come to a head.
It’s ironic because at the very first Thanksgiving we all did together back in 2013, thigs seemed to go pretty well, as I wrote about here. Maybe it was one of those delayed reactions. Maybe it was one of those things where X2 didn’t think much of it, since her daughter had a good time; so she didn’t think much about it initially. The truth is my brother has been pompous in the past; so I never discounted X2’s accusations. Of course, knowing how things ended between X2 and I maybe she was trying to start trouble. To be hones, I think it was a little of both: my brother probably was being a dick and x2 probably DID blow it out of proportion.
Thanksgiving 2014 was VERY subdued in my family as that when my father was in the hospital dying of cancer As the following Thanksgiving was coming closer, we had already decided we would not be going to my brother’s house for dinner. At this pint, X2 and I were deep into skipping family gatherings; but I knew that I needed to call or text him to let him know that we weren’t coming. But it was one of those situations where I was so afraid of dealing with it – that by avoiding it, it became as bad of a situation as i initially feared it to be.
I was at work on Thanksgiving week. I believe it was Tuesday and i got a call from my brother while I was teaching. I let it go to voice mail, certain he was asking for a head-count. I didn’t listen to thew message at the time, but he ended up saying: “Hey Rob, I’m about to rip [X2] a new one on Facebook, I just wanted you to know in case you get home home work and she’s pissed off”.
In-laws should be considered outlaws.
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Oh, I heard all about it from X2. Evidently, when my brother could get a hold of me that morning, he wrote X2 on Facebook. X2 proceeded to tell him off. She told my brother exactly what she though of him, his wife, and the rest of my immediate family. Keep in mind, this whole situation is snowballing while I’m at work. I ended up having to leave my classroom to take a call from X2 about the whole exchange. She sent me screen caps of the whole exchange – just because I wanted to read it for myself and see if i got form it the same thing that her and my brother did. I ended up having to step out of my classroom for almost an hour to try and diffuse the situation. But just as X2 shared it with me, my brother shared it with his wife. His wife and my sister were working together and somebody shared the exchange with my mom. Before the day was down, I was hearing about it from EVERYBODY. While I was on the phone with x2 IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CLASSES, MIND YOU, I start getting message from my brother and my mom.
This blow-out lead to one of mine & X2’s numerous “break ups”. She claimed that I was defending her and that I was trying to “play both sides of the fence”. Yes, I wanted to smooth things over with everybody. My father had just died that winter. Kid 2 was born that summer. This was tumultuous time for me and my family – both my immediate family and the family I was building.
Looking back now, I feel like this is a situation that I let get out of hand. I should have confronted my brother more directly a it this situation as it was unfolding. I’m not saying that any of this could have been avoided. And in the end, I don’t think it would have made much difference as far as my relationship ship with x2 was concerned. But this was a big deal when her and I were together. Something that I don’t think we ever recovered from. Even though we got back together, this family situation was something that was always in our rear-view mirror.
As for my brother and I, I tried to talk to him about this on a few occasions. I even tried to arrange a meet-up with him. But like so many other things in my immediate family, it got swept under the rug. No one ever talked about it. even though X2 and I are ancient history now, my anger and resentment toward my immediate family – are still there.
In the grand scheme of things; yes, I wish I handled the situation differently. In anger, I would have probably punched my brother and told my sister-in-law to get bent. I don’t think I would have gone THAT far, but I should have done something differently; not to save my relationship with X2 (that obviously was doomed) but for my own self-respect.
It’s amazing the way that unlocking memories can bring all those emotions connected to them back to the surface, I’m getting angry at all the guilty parties just writing about this again.
Thanks for stopping by Rebuilding Rob. Be sure to like, comment and subscribe to my blog below. It’s greatly appreciated! Also, feel free to follow me on social media as well! Check out my most recent posts as well as some earlier, related posts:
- Sunday is borrowed time
- Teacher Armor and the Saturday Clearing
- The Extra Day: A Ten-Year Memory
- Of Training Wheels and Christmas Lights
- Charity Starts at Home (And I’m Back in My Childhood One)
The article ”Could’ve, Should’ve, Would’ve” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob.
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