Rebuilding Rob

In the classic Star Trek episode “Amok Time“ Mr. Spock gives some words of wisdom, and perhaps warning the lover of Mr. Spock’s betrothed-wife T’Pring:

Having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical but often true.

Of course, there is a more popular version of this sentiment: “be careful what you wish for. You may get it”. I’m kind of experiencing this right now myself. I mentioned before how, out of the blue, XST wrote me on Facebook messenger while I was attending seeing the new Superman movie. We were talking for the last few weeks, probably longer than we’ve ever talked and any of the previous times that we had dated. We went out again last night. And while things were going well, I kind of felt a little bit of the spark or even the conversation dying off.

Maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I want too much too quickly from this situation with XST. After all, I have to remember that it took some time for things to develop between me and Veronica. It takes time to get to know someone, get to know their day-to-day life experiences and carry on everyday conversations; essentially getting past all the “getting to know you” stuff.

I tend to be a person of extremes. I either am extremely lonely, or I have too many people to whom I am talking and it’s difficult to keep up. Sometimes I feel like I wanted to be “a player“ dating several people at once. So I would start to carry on conversations on with more than one person at a time. The problem is it gets to be too much. And well, I don’t think that I am “a player“ I do wonder about the honesty integrity of what I’m doing. Is it really playing to want to date more than one person and see who I am the most interested in or is the most interested in me?

The thing is, I’ve been very attracted to XST ever since the very first time we went out two years ago. I was bummed when things didn’t work out between her and I. Then, when she called me back up a year later, we went out again, and I was happy at that time as well. Then, likewise, I was bummed when she ghosted me for the second time.

And why am I talking to somebody who ghosted me twice? I understand that she was in and out of a very serious relationship at that point, one that she is no longer in. If it was anybody else in my shoes, I would tell them that they’re a fool for going back to somebody who ghosted them once, let alone twice.

I spoke to her about the other day. We not really spoke, but we were texting, and I said something along the lines of “knowing the timeline of your relationship with your ex, I can pretty much connect the dots what happened between the first time we went out two years ago and the next time we went out last year”. She didn’t deny it. But she didn’t confirm it either . Maybe she felt this one of the things that was better left unsaid. I like this woman. But I think the problem is I like the idea of her, perhaps more than I like the actual person herself.

Veronica, they have some history together. We’ve known each other for almost a year. And compared to my other relationships over the last few years, this one was proceeding at a glacial pace.

I don’t know what to think of that sometimes. I feel like I’ve brought up the “where do we stand” conversation with her a few times and it has fallen upon deaf years. It’s not as if she laughed at me about it. But it’s almost like she doesn’t even wanna talk about it herself. So how am I supposed to take that?

Does that make me wrong or inappropriate to be going out with XST as well? Veronica and I have no even verbal agreement of exclusivity. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that this goes so much longer, I’m going to end up sleeping with XST before I sleep with Veronica.

Then there’s a fact that time underneath it all, I still feel like I’m a rebound for XST. I know she’s coming off the very very serious relationship. She seems like she’s into me. She seems like she’s more willing to admit feelings for me than she was previously. Of course, that could be because she was in between break ups with the other guy.

I’m not putting all this out here to vent about my love life. I guess the problem is is I’m not really sure what I want right now. I want a relationship. I don’t know that I necessarily want something permanent. But I also feel like time is not on my side. I feel like it wouldn’t take much for me to go completely date for you for the next 1 to 3 years and suddenly wake up one day and realize that I want to be in a relationship again. And not that I can’t happen when I’m 54 or 55, but it just seems like it would be a lot more difficult. 

Thanks for stopping by Rebuilding Rob. Be sure to like, 👍 comment and subscribe to my blog below. It’s greatly appreciated! Also, feel free to follow me on social media as well! Check out my most recent posts as well as some earlier, related (and perhaps, not-so-related) posts:

• Of Training Wheels and Christmas Lights
• Charity Starts at Home (And I’m Back in My Childhood One)
• The Muscle of Empathy
• Where Do We Go From Here? Five Years Since January 6.
• Bugs, Boundaries, and the Art of Not Being Invisible

Star Trek is currently streaming on Paramount+

AI art created using ChatGPT

The article “Feeling Spock” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob.