Feeling Kelly Clarkson; or the ongoing learning process of self-care and independence

As WordPress continues to recycle old prompts, I pulled another prompt from The Coffee Monsterz Co to respond to today

What is something you learned about yourself this year?

I still feel like I’m in the middle of an ongoing learning process right now. But one thing that I did learn about myself this year, or at least one thing that I’ve known for a long time and was finally willing to consciously admit, was that I’m afraid of getting into an exclusive long-term relationship or even a marriage; because I’m afraid of what it will do to me personally.

I’ve always envisioned myself as something of a mental health advocate, having dealt with some of my own issues with anxiety and depression. But I see the way that relationships tend to break men down. They lose part of their independence. They lose a lot of the things that make them them. I’m not saying I hate the idea of turning into a suburban household, dad, but I just kinda hate the idea of putting my passions and the things that excite me in a closet somewhere.

This is not to say that I don’t want to be a dad. Obviously I have kid 1 and kid 2. I love them with all my heart. At the same time I see a lot of me and them and vice versa. I happen to like who I am. I like the fact that I like to write. I like the fact that I love movies, that I love Star Trek, that baseball is essentially my religion.

This isn’t anything about being afraid to be an adult or not wanting to “be a man“ for my responsibilities. I just feel that I’ve made too many compromises in the relationship relationships I’ve been in. I feel like I lose a part of myself. When I talk about independence, I don’t mean, just paying my bills and being a big boy. I’m talking more about the idea of being OK on my own. There is a great song by Kelly Clarkson, of all people in her son “stronger” when she said “ doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”. While I always understood what she meant by the line, it took me a while to reach that point myself. I have to the realization that I enjoy doing things by myself. There are far too many people in this world who won’t go to a baseball game or a movie or to dinner by themselves. I have no problem with doing any of those. I can’t say that it’s always been the case for me, however.

We’re living at a really strange moment in history. I think the increased exposure to topics like men’s mental health is made it possible for people like me to realize that the things I’m feeling are normal. I think we’re also in a moment where some people, usually women have their sense of self worth warped by social media. I’m no exception of this myself. I’ll be checking my WordPress app all day today. See how many views, likes, and comments that this post gets

I’ve learned how to be okay on my own. I’ve rediscovered the things in my that make me happy. I’ve learned how to be more independent than I’ve been at any other point in my life. Now if I can just maintain all of this and meet somebody

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Feeling Kelly Clarkson; or the ongoing learning process of self-care and independence

What is something you learned about yourself this year?

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