How to Rebuild Your Social Life, Starting From Zero

As WordPress continues to recycle old prompts, I pulled another prompt from The Coffee Monsterz Co to respond to today

Imagine you just moved to your city. You have no family & friends here, and you are single. How would you make friends?

I don’t have to imagine this scenario. I lived it. I didn’t fare quite as well as I would advise others to do, but I did experience it.

I lived in South Carolina from 2004 until my divorce in 2012 (technically, until my separation, but you get the idea ). X1, my then- wife, and I moved there for work. OK, so in my situation I wasn’t single. In fact that I was experiencing a new place together with my then -wife is probably what saved my sanity.

Reach out to your co-workers

I had thought that with my job, I would have a built-in circle – or at least a jumpstart on establishing a circle – of friends. It wasn’t until my second or third year working there that my co-workers and I stared hanging out. even then, my coworkers had told me that they figured since I was married, I wouldn’t be interested in “hanging out with the guy” going drinking and stuff like that. Obviously, that couldn’t be further from the truth – as they would realize.

Get a temperature check

But the truth is, Detroit – or more to the point – metro Detroit is a lot different from Charleston, South Carolina and the surrounding area, which is collectively known as “the low country”.

The city of Charles reputation of being a “polite city”. People there will talk to you. You can get approached by strangers in a grocery store who just threw up a conversation while you’re checking out produce. Metro Detroit is not and has never been like that.

Remembering back to my college days i would see women on campus hold their purses a little tighter as i walked by. I suppose this is because I used to wear a 3/4 black leather coat and a Los Angeles Raiders hat. I wasn’t trying to look tough and i personally didn’t think it made me look like a “gangster”. In fact, I happen to think I’m a very unimposing-looking man. At least, I’ve always carried myself as such.

My point is that people lol at strangers differently in Detroit than they did in Charleston. Whereas people in Carleton saw a stranger as an opportunity to strike up some witty conversation, people in Detroit are immediately on-guard whenever a stranger approaches

Coming back

Perspective is everything. For as much as I felt like a Detroit fish out of water in Charleston, I also felt a little bit, overwhelmed by moving back to the metro Detroit area. Even when I would on vacation, I felt overwhelmed here. Driving on the road, I thought I was going to get run over; where I was driving in Charleston, I felt like the alpha dog, ready to mow everyone down in my path.

Socially, it was even more difficult to return. When I got married, I was the first person in my circle of friends to do so. So it makes sense that I would also be the first one to experience a divorce. After all the first person through the proverbial wall is usually the one who comes out with a bloody nose on the other side

But to make matters worse, not only had most of my friends had gotten married and started families of their own. Many of them had moved out of town or even out of the state themselves. In many respects, this was the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

Socialization in the post-divorce era, Phred’s version

When I first moved back to Michigan after my divorce, Phred made a great point of getting me involved with the social club that she was affiliated with at the time. They would have happy hours at select the local bars. But they also are heavily involved in sports leagues like kickball, volleyball, bowling. Social Club this are a great opportunity to get to know other people. In my case, it was people at around my age; many of whom have been divorced themselves.

For me, getting involved with the social club was a huge step in me, finding my footing as I returned to Michigan for the first time in nearly 10 years. I would think that for someone new to the area, this would likewise be a great opportunity to meet new people.

Take care of your own peace of mind

These days, we tend to mistake, social media apps as the actual act of socializing. Furthermore, the Covid lockdowns taught a lot of us how to be antisocial and be OK with it. All of this is compounded by the fact that as adults we start to lose patients for dealing with other people and going through the whole ritual of getting to know friends or even potential love interests.

For these reasons, it’s more important to get to know people around you more than ever. It sounds corny, but people do need people. We need companionship, and yes, we do need those random people who just annoy the crap out of us whether it’s at work or at play. I had mentioned earlier that unlike the prompt, I wasn’t single when I made the move from Michigan to Charleston. And while I did say that experiencing that with my wife is probably what saved my sanity, in many ways, I think that the experience certainly pushed us in inevitably closer to divorcing

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