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The Temptation of the Out: Utility vs. Visibility

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Featured image for the blog post "The Temptation of the Out: Utility vs. Visibility." A man sits in a shadowed room looking toward a bright open doorway. In the foreground, a wrench and a set of keys rest on an old book, symbolizing the conflict between traditional male provider roles and personal freedom in midlife.

I know this post isn’t going live until Monday, but I’m actually writing it on the Sunday before, so I find that kind of ironic that today’s prompt deals with temptation; primarily because so much of what I heard about in church growing up as a non-practicing Christian was temptation.

Temptation can take it on many different forms. And the truth is, I’m faced with temptation pretty much every day of my life. So before I started to dive into this topic, I decided to consult the Google machine for a definition of temptation. Google AI says:

Temptation is the strong urge or desire to have or do something, especially something that is considered unwise, wrong, or contrary to one’s long-term goals. It is often a psychological “tug-of-war” between immediate gratification and long-term integrity.

The Tug-of-War

But the definition I found online doesn’t cover the kind of temptation I’m actually wrestling with at 51. It’s not about vices or forbidden fruit anymore. The part of that definition that sticks out to me is ‘contrary to one’s long-term goals.’ Because as I approach 52, my goals aren’t what they used to be.

Growing up, I thought temptation was about saying ‘no’ to things that were bad. But lately, I’ve realized the hardest temptation to fight is the urge to say ‘yes’ to things that look good on paper—like a stable, traditional relationship—but require me to become a person I don’t actually like. A person who is invisible in his own home.

The Condition of Being Useful

In the past, I’ve shared a clip of the Chris Rock stand-up comedy show where he explains that:

“only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. Men are loved under the condition that they provide something”

That was a lesson that I had to learn the hard way myself.

This isn’t to say that I don’t want to be a father. I love being a dad. I love spending time with my kids, watching them grow and learn and mentoring them. But the traditional “head of the household“ roll that most men are expected to go into when they start a family/get married is soul-crushing.

I know, other generations of men have endured this. But I don’t want to. I’ve seen what it’s done to other men. And I’ve seen firsthand what it does to me. I’ve been lucky enough to get myself out of a situation, twice now. I’m very reluctant at the thought of entering into it again.

The 18-Year Horizon

There’s a biological clock ticking in the back of my head, and it isn’t about having more children. It’s about the finish line.

My father died at 67. My grandfathers didn’t make it past 70. I turn 52 in April. If I follow the map laid out by the men who came before me, I have maybe 15 to 18 good years left. That realization changes how I view temptation.

The temptation now is to feel ‘guilty’ for wanting to be alone on a kid-free weekend. The temptation is to feel like I’m ‘failing’ because I’m not chasing an exclusive, live-in commitment. But when I look at those 18 years, I realize I don’t have the currency to spend on being a ‘Head of Household’ who isn’t seen or heard. I have debts to settle, a child to launch, and a version of myself that I finally actually like to get to know.

I’d rather fumble over my words while trying to speak my truth than speak perfectly in a role that requires me to check my soul at the door. I’ve spent enough time being useful; I’d like to spend my remaining time being free.

Maybe that’s the real temptation at 52: the urge to keep playing the game because I’m afraid of what people will think if I walk off the field. But this weekend, sitting in the silence of my own house, I realized I’m not ‘failing’ at a relationship—I’m succeeding at being myself. I’ve got 18 years, give or take, and I’ve decided I’m no longer tempted by a life that requires me to be invisible. From here on out, if my voice cracks while I’m speaking my truth, at least it’s my voice that’s being heard.

At what point does being “useful” stop being enough for you?

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AI made with Google Gemini.

The article “The Temptation of the Out: Utility vs. Visibility” first appeared in Rebuilding Rob.

3 responses to “The Temptation of the Out: Utility vs. Visibility”

  1. CJ Antichow Avatar
    CJ Antichow

    Here here!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    There’s nothing wrong in doing what you plan to do. Good for you.

    For anyone, living on your own, I feel is the only way to get to know yourself before living with, or planning to live with anyone else. I have certainly known myself better that way and for a long time, living on my own has not bothered me. And I don’t find it scary like I once did many years ago.

    I have come across a few people that find the idea of living on their own scary. And they wonder how get on when I am ill with no one to lean on. As said to them, when am ill, you will find me lying down somewhere. Bed or sofa. There is going to be a bottle of water beside me so that I encourage myself to take fluids and I sleep it off. I am not going to move unless it is to refill the water bottle or needing the toilet.

    When you live on your own with only yourself to rely on, that is how it goes. I am not going to worry on something I have no control over.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. P. J. Gudka Avatar
    P. J. Gudka

    It’s never too late to get to know yourself again and focus on you for a change.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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