this is an easy answer. 2012, with 2020 being a close second.
2012 was the year that X1 and I separated and eventually divorced. Even though my marriage was, in effect, over for some time. Actually ending it, and taking the last of my things out of the house was a lot tougher than I anticipated. But nothing could prepare me for saying goodbye to Kid 1. I knew from that day on, my danamic with him would never been what I wanted it to be.
To this day, I don’t know if I’ve ever cried as much or as hard as I did the day I left South Carolina. I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy.
I’m keeping the reflection on 2012 bit short because I have over this territory before here on the blog. In fact, by divorce was the very genesis of this blog.
When X2 and I split up in 2020, it was gut-wreak big as well, but for different reasons. I knew that my relationship with kid 2 wouldn’t take the hit that my relationship with Kid 1 did in the aftermath of my divorce. and I knew that I wasn’t going to take it quit as hard as I did of my divorce.
I think it was better prepared for the emotional impact of my relationship with X2 ending than I was with my divorce from X one, only because I’ve already been through it before. I was battle tested. And while I knew things would be OK with me and kid, too, I couldn’t help but feel the same sense of déjà vu, as if I’ve seen this movie before. There was a little doubt on the back of my mind, there was some concern that my relationship with kid who would be or vocally altered. And I guess technically it has been.
But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize over the years: that divorce, that breakup, those things had to happen. Looking back now, they were inevitable. I hate the fact that the biggest victims in both of those situations are kid one and kid too. But at the same time, I have to remember that they are better off seeing their moms and dad‘s alone and happy than they are seeing their parents living under the same roof and miserable with each other.
What actually got me through those years? It wasn’t just the knowledge that it was for the best; it was the grit of showing up every single day and the slow, deliberate process of choosing myself, over and over again, even when it hurt. It was the beginning of the work. I knew at the end of both of those relationships that I had to do things differently going forward. Both defense forever altered my perception and love, family and relationships, but I wasn’t really sure how to articulate that yet. It took me a long time to get my feet back underneath me, but it is a process, day by day week by week year by year. 
Divorce and breakups change your life, but they don’t have to define your future. In 2012 and 2020, I was reacting to the walls coming down. Today, I’m the one building the foundation. In my next post, I pull back the curtain on how I actually rebuilt that foundation using the Four Pillars. You can read the follow up post here.
Rebuilding a life takes grit, consistency, and a lot of ‘Option C’ thinking. Having crossed the 1,000-day milestone, I’m now charting the territory beyond. The mission remains the same: No glitz. Just the work. New to the blog? Start your journey here to see the blueprint and the ‘Tricorder’ perspective behind the rebuild.
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The article “The Hard Years: Salvaging the Rubble” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob
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