Special thanks once again to rojie for today’s prompt. if you haven’t done so already definitely check out her blog justrojie.com
Do you tend to forgive and forget, or just forgive but not forget… or neither?
I think forgiveness is a very difficult concept for a lot of people to wrap their heads around. I know it took me a long time to really understand what it means to forgive.
When most people hear the word “forgive,” they think it automatically means you’re completely absolving someone of any responsibility for any wrongdoing or crime they inflicted upon you. It’s almost as if they think you’re saying, “Well, it’s okay that you ran me over with a car. I forgive you.”
As I got older—through counseling, reading up on grieving and mental health, and navigating the wreckage of a divorce—my definition completely shifted. True forgiveness is about the victim. It’s about coming to terms with what happened and moving forward. No, you’re not supposed to completely absolve somebody of the wrongdoing they’ve committed against you. Forgiveness is about not letting that act haunt you for the rest of your life, dictate how you live, or run the show.
Of course, “not forgetting” is a tricky concept for a guy who writes down everything. Sometimes I wonder if my inability to let certain things go is tied to the fact that I document them—saving them in amber forever on this blog. I look back at my divorce from X1 and the ending of my relationship with X2, and I remember the early days when things were sticky and anger filled the air.
People say time heals all wounds, and while it’s a bit of a cliché, time definitely dulls the sharpest edges. Emotions get softer over months and years; things that used to trigger deep panic or fury eventually turn into afterthoughts.
With X1, there wasn’t some cinematic moment of reconciliation. The turning point came right at the onset of the pandemic when Kid 1 tested positive for COVID-19. Back then, when people were dropping like flies and the world felt like it was ending, sheer terror and parental instinct overrode everything else. We buried the hatchet not with a grand speech, but simply because we both wanted to make sure our kid was okay.
With X2, the line between anger and peace was even more blurred, marked by quiet shifts rather than sudden breakthroughs. Over the years, as we navigated separate lives and new partners—like when I recently told her about Sierra before introducing her to Kid 2—the old friction just kind of mellowed out. There was no grand decree; things simply evolved.
Looking back, I spent years holding onto anger toward X1, especially because the end came right when I was hitting rock bottom. It skewed my perception of relationships for a long time, feeding into that cynical notion that men are only valued for what they provide. But somewhere along the way, through my own struggles with mental health and self-discovery, a realization hit me: if I didn’t even understand what I was dealing with back then, how could X1 possibly have understood it? In that light, we were just doomed—and anxiety played a massive, destructive role in ruining that marriage.
Maybe that is the missing element in all of this: true forgiveness requires dropping the preconceived notion of malicious intent. For a long time, it’s easy to look back and view past hurts through the lens that someone set out to break you. But stepping away from that bitterness means realizing that most of the time, people aren’t operating out of malice—they’re just operating out of their own broken, unmapped struggles.
As to the question of whether or not I forgive and forget, the answer is a hard no. I forgive people. But I never forget what they did to me. When you finally let go of the phantom of malice, you stop letting the past dictate your present. You stop looking backward, and you finally give yourself permission to move forward.
Rebuilding a life takes grit, consistency, and a lot of ‘Option C’ thinking. Having crossed the 1,000-day milestone, I’m now charting the territory beyond. The mission remains the same: No glitz. Just the work. New to the blog? Start your journey here to see the blueprint and the ‘Tricorder’ perspective behind the rebuild.
Today’s post is inspired by the WordPress Daily Prompt. While I’ve taken the topic in my own direction for the Road beyond 1,000 Days, you can find more responses to today’s prompt HERE.
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The article “forgive and… Remember“ first appeared on Rebuilding Rob
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