Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?
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The legendary wrestling manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan once quipped, “A friend in need is a pest.”
It’s a hilarious line, mostly because we’ve all known people who treat friendship exactly like that—as a burden the moment things get inconvenient. But looking back, I think it’s fair to say that my own idea of what makes a good friend has certainly evolved over time. I don’t know if I’d necessarily go so far as to say the core idea completely “changed,” but the standard definitely shifted.
As a kid, it’s kind of hard to articulate what really makes a good friend. Sure, you can say things like, “We have common interests,” and you try to avoid the kind of kids who would knowingly get you into a bad situation or press you to do something you know is wrong. Back then, you think staying out of trouble is just a simple matter of making the right choices.
If anything, the main thing that has sharpened about my definition of a good friend over the years is a sense of loyalty. As we get older, right and wrong get a little more morally gray, and you realize something fundamental: when you’re a little kid, you have to go looking for trouble, but as an adult, sometimes trouble finds you, no matter what decisions you make.
Good friends don’t let each other face that kind of danger or trouble alone. Good friends are just… there.
I’ve brought up “The Hick” before, a friend of mine from college. He wasn’t the most refined guy in the world—hence the alias—and he was certainly rough around the edges. But there was zero bullshit with him. What you saw was what you got, and if he said he had your back, he meant it. It was that rare “I’d lay in traffic for you” level of loyalty.
It wasn’t like he was out looking to break the law, but when you’re young and out at a bar, things happen. You could be completely innocent and just cross paths with the wrong person at the wrong time. The Hick wouldn’t start those situations, but he wouldn’t back down or leave you hanging either. We had an unspoken understanding: if something went south, we were in it together.
As we get older, we might think we want more polished, refined friendships. But more than polish, what we really hunger for is something true. Looking back over the last thirty years, he was easily one of the best friends I ever had because of that authenticity.
Things eventually fell apart between us, and while we’ve talked since and cleared the air, that old closeness is gone for good. But the lesson remained. Age teaches you that real friendship isn’t about finding people who keep your life quiet and safe; it’s about finding the people who stand steady right next to you when things get loud.
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The article “”A Friend in Need is a Pest”: How Age Reshapes Loyalty” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob
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