This is definitely uncharted territory for me.
I know I haven’t been in very many relationships in my life, but this is the most insecure I’ve been in any relationship I’ve ever had. Not once, not for on second, did I ever question the STBX, or doubt that she loved me, or questioned her fidelity. But then, I also look at how that relationship turned out…
I don’t feel very confident or secure in my relationship with The Auteur. The field she’s going into is overwhelmingly dominated by men. She works and attends classes almost entirely with guys. There are at least three of them that I know of who had feelings for her and are all too willing to express said feelings. To be honest, I’ve seen some of the guys she works with. There’s a part of me that says “if she goes after one of those losers, let her.” They’re dip-shits. They’re nerds. They’re fat, ugly, movie geeks. Besides, I SATISFY her.
And yet, she doesn’t trust me. When I went to a local bar with Sis a few weeks back, she asked me point-blank if I was going there to meet somebody; this on a day when she made a day-trip with a girlfriend of hers and their 2 daughters.
Granted, I do have one strike me in this regard. Very early on in our relationship, I responded to an e-mail I received through http://www.match.com. I wrote back to this other woman, and it was all innocent enough. This other woman turned out to be a friend of The Auteur’s . Through casual conversation about their match experiences, they realized they were talking about the same guy…me. She denies it, but to this day, I’m convinced that it was a set-up.
The night she found out about it, she called me some pretty horrible things. To put it another way: the only other women who have ever called me such things are no longer a part of my life. Even now, I’m still a little shocked I managed to save this relationship over the few days that followed.
Maybe that’s why I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust me. I’ve always felt that people who don’t trust you are like that because they have something they themselves are holding back. She doesn’t trust me; so I guess I assume that I shouldn’t trust her either.
I’m sure my impending divorce has a lot to do with it too. The events of the last 12-18 months have jaded me in ways that I just beginning to understand. I’m not a real firm believer in love right now. Hell, I’m not a real firm believer in much anything these days.
This crap with her ex (I call him Mr. Slate) has me second-guessing things too. Their divorce was supposed to be finalized this month. Now he’s just stalling. To make matters worse, she’s getting ready to take part in the local 48 hour student-film project again this year. Just like last year, Rhino is probably going to be THE major financial contributor to the project. He’s got a really good job and no life outside of it; so there’s plenty of money for him to burn. If our roles were reversed, The Auteur would be LIVID at the thought of the STBX being a major benefactor to a project I was working on.
What the hell did I get myself into here? Is this crazy? Am I the crazy one? Am I being too insecure, or was Kurt Cobain on to something when he sang “just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you”?
- Trusting Again (cshort225.wordpress.com)