I understand that this is not a new dating tactic, but I never knew they had a name for it. Cushioning is the act of having a backup plan or multiple backup plans in the event that your current relationship ends. In essence, it’s the idea of keeping people “in your back pocket” so to speak.
This Vice article discusses it in a little more detail: Introducing Cushioning…
I hate to say it, but I’ve been guilty of this in the past. In fact, probably up until fairly recently. I think I talked about it a little bit previously in another post though I wasn’t calling it “cushioning,” but I would stay social media friends with exes, maybe even texting some of them every now and then, in the event that things went wrong with whatever relationship I was in at the moment.
The article goes on to state that cushioning is a form of micro-cheating, and states that people who do cushion are afraid of being alone, which makes sense.
I’m not sure why the article calls it “the latest dating trend” because I think this has been around for a long time; I think it even predated social media. But I do think this term “cushioning” is relatively new.
However, I’m happy to say that since I met Sierra, I haven’t done this. Ever. In fact, I’ve probably unfriended or unfollowed at least half a dozen people on social media who were in my feed essentially to be cushions. I wasn’t really talking to them. I wasn’t pursuing them. They weren’t pursuing me. So what the hell was really the point of hanging onto them?
When I went through and cleared them out, it wasn’t some cinematic, sudden rush of emotion or a dramatic “sudden quiet.” The truth is, it was entirely anti-climactic because those people were already dead weight. Looking back, I realize I was keeping some of them around on Facebook even when I was with Veronica, just in case things went sideways—which they ultimately did. But even then, I never went running back to them.
Reflecting on it now, I see a direct connection. During those 18 months with Veronica, we never changed our Facebook relationship statuses, I never even used the “girlfriend” pronoun, and we barely ever posted photos of the two of us together (even when we were at Tiger games). At the time, part of my reluctance was probably about not wanting to set off those very cushions I was holding onto. But looking back, it makes me wonder if either of us was ever truly committed to something permanent. We were keeping one foot out the door.
Compare that to where I am now. Dropping the confession about my past cushioning to Sierra the night we both said the L-word wasn’t about demanding anything from her; she had already made it clear she only wanted to be with me. I was just trying to clear my own conscience and let her know how completely locked in I am.
We don’t have an “in a relationship” status on Facebook right now either, and honestly? It doesn’t even matter. I know what’s in her heart, and she knows what’s in mine. If she ever wanted to make it official online, I’d do it in a heartbeat and be flattered, but I’m certainly not going to pressure her or treat a digital status as the defining metric of what we have.
The honest-to-God truth of the matter is that when you’re secure and confident in a relationship, and when you know you have something real, you don’t need a safety net.
For me, dropping those cushions wasn’t a dramatic event—it was just realizing that when you put all your proverbial chips on the table and go all-in, you don’t need backup plans anymore.
I’d be interested to know what you, the readers, think of “cushioning.” Is it a form of micro-cheating? It certainly is dishonest and questionable behavior at best.
Rebuilding a life takes grit, consistency, and a lot of ‘Option C’ thinking. Having crossed the 1,000-day milestone, I’m now charting the territory beyond. The mission remains the same: No glitz. Just the work. New to the blog? Start your journey here to see the blueprint and the ‘Tricorder’ perspective behind the rebuild.
Today’s post is inspired by the WordPress Daily Prompt. While I’ve taken the topic in my own direction for the Road beyond 1,000 Days, you can find more responses to today’s prompt HERE.
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The article “Rob Reads…Cushioning, the latest toxic trend” first appeared on Rebuilding Rob
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