An open letter to the soon-to-be-ex

There’s so much I want to say to you, but doing so seems so pointless now. On second thought, I wanna get is off my chest and I don’t care if you see/hear it or not.

I want to apologize for my part in the dissolution of this marriage.  When I decided to marry you, I didn’t go in thinking it would end in anything other than one or both of our deaths.  I don’t think most people enter into marriage intending for it to ever end; but as we know, good intentions aren’t always enough. Don’t think I’m assuming sole responsibility for anything here.  As I told you before “it takes 2 people to ruin a perfectly good marriage”.

Somewhere along the way, these last few years to be more specific, I turned into someone I despised.  I lied to you and I lied to my parents.  Finances got tight and I was desperate.  I took a lot of chances and pushed things to the absolute limits in several areas of my life.  I made it hard for me to live with myself, and I’m sure it was no easier on you.  At the end of the day I knew I was doing it for our family. I think that’s the only way I was able to live with myself.  Even now, I know in my heart that I did absolutely everything in my power to maintain our family.  If it wasn’t enough – and apparently it wasn’t – I could live with myself knowing I gave it my all.

I’ve told you before that communication broke down between us years ago, long before the events of the last year or two.  In hindsight, I think that was the beginning of the end for us.  I specifically remember one day (and I know you’ve heard this before) that I was complaining about work, and you accused me of “bitching”.  I can tell you that that was the moment I stopped confiding in you – about my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my thoughts on anything of any real significance in our lives.   Looking back now, that conversation was a red flag.

Being separated for the last few months has allowed me the time to reflect not just on the last few years, but also the entirety of our relationship.  Since the day I met you, you’ve had this “me against the world” mentality.  You believe it is a source of strength for you; and to some extent, maybe it is.  You were always so scared of showing the outside world any sign of weakness or pain that you built up these walls around yourself.  To strangers, family, friends and foes alike, your words, actions and body language all said to the world: “I am who I am, and I will mow down anyone who stands in my way”.  And for the most part, it has worked out for you.  I’ve had friends of ours, acquaintances and strangers say that they were intimidated by you.  I’m sure on many levels, that’s just stroking your ego.  You thrive on people being afraid of you.  You think that that is your greatest source of strength.  On the contrary, it is your greatest weakness.  You probably describe yourself as being “assertive”.  Others would describe you as being a bitch.  Rather than showing any signs of vulnerability, you push people away. You keep everyone, including your loved ones at arm’s length.  I call it being a coward.

Maybe you and I were a bad combination from the start.  I was always the more passive of the two of us.  “diplomatic” and ” the good cop” are two expressions that I remember being used to describe me.  Maybe in this relationship, I played the role of the good girl who as determined find the sweet, sensitive guy buried far below the surface of your Bad Boy persona.

(Updated 10.1. 12)  It is occurring to me you simply didn’t want to be married to me anymore.  In fact, you haven’t for a while. I wanted to think that our separation was a result of my actions of the last several months  regarding money, etc.  Not because I wanted to blame myself; but because I wanted to “connect the dots”.   But the reason for our divorce no longer matter to me anymore.

I would’ve done anything to work things out between you and I – for our son if not for us.  But in hindsight, I’ve realized that we passed the “point of no return” too long ago.  You, me, time and our feelings for one another simply passed each other by too long ago.

I hate the fact that we failed The Kid.  If  I ever thought for one second that we would one day divorce, I never would have started a family with you.  That is not to say that I have any regrets.  Far fro it.  The Kid is the best thing that ever has or ever will happen to me.  As much as it hurts me to say that I am not in his life everyday, I am absolutely honored to be his father.  No job I ever take will be more important or more prestigious than being his father.

I hate the fact that I was a part of a failed marriage.  I hate the fact that we are now among the majority of American married couples.  And I hate the fact that I stood before my family, my friends, and yes, my God and said that I would be with you for the rest for my life; when that was obviously not to be.

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